It's quiet this morning. Wade's left for work and it's just me and the little man. I love this time of the morning... but, it's also when the anxiety about the day starts creeping into my blood and flowing to my brain. Making me think about everything I have to do, everything I should be doing, and suddenly an overwhelming sense of dread fills my body. There's just not enough time in the day to complete my never ending list of wife and mommy things I need to do.
Deep breath.
Depression.
Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain. It's more than just a feeling of being 'down in the dumps' or 'blue' for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life. Symptoms can include:
- Sadness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
- Change in weight
- Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
- Energy loss
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Thoughts of death or suicide
The hardest thing I've ever had to do in the world was look my husband in the eyes and tell him that I thought I was depressed. Why was it hard? Because he's my husband. The father of my child. How in the world can I be depressed when God has blessed me with so much? How can I be depressed when God has given me so much hope? How can a Christian woman, born and raised in a Christian family, be depressed? Isn't depression a selfish feeling? I remember a couple of years ago talking to a good friend about how her sister in law had started taking anti-depressants. My friends response was, "Our family doesn't take medication for depression. It's not natural." I think ever since talking to her about it, I've always thought, we don't take medication. It's taboo. I don't want to put my family through the embarressing ordeal of having a wife, mother, daughter, sister on medication. How scandalous!
Well, guess what?! I went to my doctor. And guess what else? He prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft. And, you'll never guess what happened next... I felt better! I took the medication for about 2 months and my doctor and I weaned myself off it and I am cured. Ok, so, you're never really "cured" from depression. I struggle every single day with it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Zoloft helped me crawl out of my hole. It helped me with my crazy anxiety that still haunts me. It helped me realize that I still have God. That He never left me. That despite the fact that I felt like my world was spinning out of control, that I was losing my grip with reality, God was still beside me holding my hand, gently tugging at me to lean on Him.
It's easy to judge someone. It's easy to look down on someone. It takes a stronger person to admit when something's not right, that they need a little help to stand tall again. So, YES! I took an anti-depressant for anxiety and depression. And, I'm not ashamed (kind of sounds a little like an introduction to an A.A. meeting). Everyone needs a little help every once in a while... and if you think you don't, you're just too prideful to admit it.
Your words are like a window to my own heart. The reasons it took me so long to seek the help I needed are exactly the same as yours. But I knew I needed help, I just felt like a failure admitting it, a failure as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, and child of the King. But I'm learning that depression is so NOT about being selfish or a failure. There is a real chemical imbalance and it is a real disease that CAN be treated. I still have a long ways to go, but the medicine has been a huge help, I found a godly counselor who has helped me sort through all of my mess that got me to this place, and there have been so many prayers covering me from the beginning of this journey. Thank you for sharing, for your honesty, and for your heart. I think it will always be a struggle for me too, but I see a way out now, I know that He is here and that I will have victory.
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