The Beginning...

I could start from the very beginning... but, really, who wants me to blab on and on about my life up until now?! So, I'll do a "skim reading" version... I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 11 years old, actually it was 2 days before my 12th birthday. From the age of 16 (well, it was probably more like 15) I struggled with what I actually believed in. Not that I doubted God existed. I've never doubted His existance because I know He's there, I can feel Him. What I really struggled with was what was actually "wrong" and what was "right". I grew up Baptist and anyone that knows religion knows that Baptist's tend to be more rigid in their beliefs and more strict on what is "acceptable" behavior for a Christian. I struggled with my beliefs because it seemed that everything I grew up thinking was "wrong" changed as I was growing up. Families I knew were getting divorced, friends I knew were drinking and buying cigarettes... basically my little bubble of isolation from the rest of the world was popping fast.
So, I moved out on my 18th birthday and lived my life without boundaries. I have a lot of crazy memories and funny stories from that little period of my life.. but, I also have a burden of guilt because my selfish decisions hurt a lot of people. People that I loved and cared about. Now, this is not the time that I fill this page with loathing and self-pity... because I've asked for God's forgiveness and I believe He has forgiven me. It's time to move on and learn from it because I cannot change it.
Now we're almost right up to the present time. But, I have to back up a little because I met Wade in the "self-discovery" period of my life. I met him at a Christmas party.. he came with his sister and another friend (I worked with his sister at the time). I can't say it was "love at first sight"... because I'm not entirely sure that's possible... but, when I walked into the house (late, as usual) Wade was the first person I saw. I looked at him and he did a double take, which made me smile. I think from that point on we both felt something, albeit chemistry, "sparks", rapid heart beat, "love"... whatever you want to call it, it was that. That feeling that you get when you meet someone and you have an instant connection with them. It was weird and made me feel funny because I'd never felt like that before. I think back on it now and I know that God brought Wade into my life at that exact moment because I needed someone to guide me back to reality. You know, out of my I-don't-need-anyone-I'll-make-my-own-decisions-because-I'm-lost phase. And, Wade did that. He dragged me kicking and screaming and I'm sure swearing right back into God's arms. Please keep in mind that this has been an on-going process and wasn't until probably 3 months ago that I realized just how incredibly controlling I try to be. God gave me Wade to help mold me into the woman I know God wants me to be.
I still struggle... because I'm not going to lie, I'm the oldest of 4 and I tend to be controlling, selfish and a little over-bearing at times. I'll admit it. That is the first step of recovery, right?! Admitting it?! I'm sure my family would agree with my self-diagnosis. :)
So, that was the start of my "transformation".. God bringing Wade into my life (because he's not afraid of telling me when I'm wrong :). The second huge step towards my life of change was God blessing us with Brennan. I can't speak for all mothers, but I believe almost all mothers want the best for their children. The reality of having a little being completely dependent upon me didn't fully take affect until I held my little Brennan for the first time. It was then that I realized God gave Him to me because He knew that Wade and I both would do anything to make sure Brennan grew up knowing God and we would teach him the importance of living a Godly life. Which in turn, would challenge both of us to do the same.
This is how I know God has a plan for me. This is how I know God is there for me. While I may be self-absorbed a lot of the time, He's constantly making chipping away at my pride and showing me that He's in control of my life, of my destiny. And, no matter what I think or what I have planned, God is going to do better.
I didn't start a blog to just blabber on about myself... I enjoy reading other people's blogs, especially when I can relate to them. It feels good to know that other people out there struggle through the same things I do or find joy in the same things I do. So, that's why I started one. Maybe it will touch someone. Maybe not. Either way, it's out there in the open now.