A New Day

What to write... what to write...

It's quiet this morning. Wade's left for work and it's just me and the little man. I love this time of the morning... but, it's also when the anxiety about the day starts creeping into my blood and flowing to my brain. Making me think about everything I have to do, everything I should be doing, and suddenly an overwhelming sense of dread fills my body. There's just not enough time in the day to complete my never ending list of wife and mommy things I need to do.

Deep breath.

Depression. 

Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain. It's more than just a feeling of being 'down in the dumps' or 'blue' for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life. Symptoms can include:

• Sadness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Change in weight
• Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
• Energy loss
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Yes, I stole that from: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/depression.html

The hardest thing I've ever had to do in the world was look my husband in the eyes and tell him that I thought I was depressed. Why was it hard? Because he's my husband. The father of my child. How in the world can I be depressed when God has blessed me with so much? How can I be depressed when God has given me so much hope? How can a Christian woman, born and raised in a Christian family, be depressed? Isn't depression a selfish feeling? I remember a couple of years ago talking to a good friend about how her sister in law had started taking anti-depressants. My friends response was, "Our family doesn't take medication for depression. It's not natural." I think ever since talking to her about it, I've always thought, we don't take medication. It's taboo. I don't want to put my family through the embarressing ordeal of having a wife, mother, daughter, sister on medication. How scandalous!

Well, guess what?! I went to my doctor. And guess what else? He prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft. And, you'll never guess what happened next... I felt better! I took the medication for about 2 months and my doctor and I weaned myself off it and I am cured. Ok, so, you're never really "cured" from depression. I struggle every single day with it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Zoloft helped me crawl out of my hole. It helped me with my crazy anxiety that still haunts me. It helped me realize that I still have God. That He never left me. That despite the fact that I felt like my world was spinning out of control, that I was losing my grip with reality, God was still beside me holding my hand, gently tugging at me to lean on Him.

It's easy to judge someone. It's easy to look down on someone. It takes a stronger person to admit when something's not right, that they need a little help to stand tall again. So, YES! I took an anti-depressant for anxiety and depression. And, I'm not ashamed (kind of sounds a little like an introduction to an A.A. meeting). Everyone needs a little help every once in a while... and if you think you don't, you're just too prideful to admit it.

You

Sometimes you can try and try and try and try to make the people around you happy. You can bend over backwards breaking every bone in your body trying to do everything physically possible to make everyone around you like you. You can shove your feelings back into the corner of your brain until you forget you ever felt them. You can change your personality (or try to). You can analyze everything you say, everything you write, everything you do to the very last detail. You can change your hair and your clothes to "fit in".

But, the truth is, the more you change yourself to fit someone else, the more you lose yourself. You can shove and suck in and nip and tuck and try to put yourself into a pre-molded box, but the fact is, you're probably going to lose an arm or an ear in the process. Can you live without your arm? Sure. You can live without your ear too... but, do you want to?

You can't make people like you. You can't change their opinions of you. You can't change what they think about you. So, GET OVER IT!

Not everyone is going to be your friend. Not everyone is going to want to spend every last waking second with you. Not everyone is going to be willing to see you when you roll out of bed. Or when you're sick and laying on the couch with snot dripping from your nose. You can't help that! It's out of your control... which is probably one of the hardest sentences anyone can swallow. So, I'll say it again just for the effect:
IT'S OUT OF YOUR CONTROL! Nothing you do is in your control. God is in control. He brings people into your life and out of your life.

I don't understand why God places certain people in my life... He certainly knows I think I could live without some of them. But, He has a purpose and a plan for everyone. We're not meant to know it. That's where faith comes in. We have to trust in God's decisions. As hard as that is... especially when you have a control issue (um, yes, I'm talking about myself).

You can't change yourself to fit someone else. That's why the people that accept you for who you are, love you depsite your mistakes, and tell you when your hair looks like crap (you know, in a loving way) are so incredibly special. Because they love you for you. They love YOU. And, that's more important than the people that don't.

The Beginning...

I could start from the very beginning... but, really, who wants me to blab on and on about my life up until now?! So, I'll do a "skim reading" version... I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 11 years old, actually it was 2 days before my 12th birthday. From the age of 16 (well, it was probably more like 15) I struggled with what I actually believed in. Not that I doubted God existed. I've never doubted His existance because I know He's there, I can feel Him. What I really struggled with was what was actually "wrong" and what was "right". I grew up Baptist and anyone that knows religion knows that Baptist's tend to be more rigid in their beliefs and more strict on what is "acceptable" behavior for a Christian. I struggled with my beliefs because it seemed that everything I grew up thinking was "wrong" changed as I was growing up. Families I knew were getting divorced, friends I knew were drinking and buying cigarettes... basically my little bubble of isolation from the rest of the world was popping fast.
So, I moved out on my 18th birthday and lived my life without boundaries. I have a lot of crazy memories and funny stories from that little period of my life.. but, I also have a burden of guilt because my selfish decisions hurt a lot of people. People that I loved and cared about. Now, this is not the time that I fill this page with loathing and self-pity... because I've asked for God's forgiveness and I believe He has forgiven me. It's time to move on and learn from it because I cannot change it.
Now we're almost right up to the present time. But, I have to back up a little because I met Wade in the "self-discovery" period of my life. I met him at a Christmas party.. he came with his sister and another friend (I worked with his sister at the time). I can't say it was "love at first sight"... because I'm not entirely sure that's possible... but, when I walked into the house (late, as usual) Wade was the first person I saw. I looked at him and he did a double take, which made me smile. I think from that point on we both felt something, albeit chemistry, "sparks", rapid heart beat, "love"... whatever you want to call it, it was that. That feeling that you get when you meet someone and you have an instant connection with them. It was weird and made me feel funny because I'd never felt like that before. I think back on it now and I know that God brought Wade into my life at that exact moment because I needed someone to guide me back to reality. You know, out of my I-don't-need-anyone-I'll-make-my-own-decisions-because-I'm-lost phase. And, Wade did that. He dragged me kicking and screaming and I'm sure swearing right back into God's arms. Please keep in mind that this has been an on-going process and wasn't until probably 3 months ago that I realized just how incredibly controlling I try to be. God gave me Wade to help mold me into the woman I know God wants me to be.
I still struggle... because I'm not going to lie, I'm the oldest of 4 and I tend to be controlling, selfish and a little over-bearing at times. I'll admit it. That is the first step of recovery, right?! Admitting it?! I'm sure my family would agree with my self-diagnosis. :)
So, that was the start of my "transformation".. God bringing Wade into my life (because he's not afraid of telling me when I'm wrong :). The second huge step towards my life of change was God blessing us with Brennan. I can't speak for all mothers, but I believe almost all mothers want the best for their children. The reality of having a little being completely dependent upon me didn't fully take affect until I held my little Brennan for the first time. It was then that I realized God gave Him to me because He knew that Wade and I both would do anything to make sure Brennan grew up knowing God and we would teach him the importance of living a Godly life. Which in turn, would challenge both of us to do the same.
This is how I know God has a plan for me. This is how I know God is there for me. While I may be self-absorbed a lot of the time, He's constantly making chipping away at my pride and showing me that He's in control of my life, of my destiny. And, no matter what I think or what I have planned, God is going to do better.
I didn't start a blog to just blabber on about myself... I enjoy reading other people's blogs, especially when I can relate to them. It feels good to know that other people out there struggle through the same things I do or find joy in the same things I do. So, that's why I started one. Maybe it will touch someone. Maybe not. Either way, it's out there in the open now.